- Fear is a prerequisite for courage. We can deepen our relationship with fear by stepping into the unknown more often — practicing courage. Fear is a friend of ours – especially non-lethal fear. We can recognize it, accept it, and work with it to embody courageous action.
- What we create within ourselves, we create around ourselves. The old adage reads, “as above, so below.” We can change the world around us by turning inwards and addressing (most notably) our shadows. What we cultivate inwards manifests outwards.
- We can find a lot of common ground in our shadows. Our insecurities, fears, pains, and traumas are experienced in similar ways – no matter the stimuli. It’s useful to find ways to connect at a vulnerable level with others; it leads to deeper intimacy in the best way.
- Nothing is worth our inner peace. We can let go of righteousness, the need to object, challenge, and disagree – especially when it’s of no consequence. We aren’t required to have an opinion on everything. We aren’t required to respond to everything. We can choose peace over being right.
- Things happen for us, not to us. If we look back at most of the “bad” things that happened, we find that they changed our life and shifted our path. When things don’t go our preferred way, we typically say something bad happened to us. The truth is things are happening for us and creating our path. Life is way more about how we respond to it than how we control it.
- Love first. So often we’re waiting for a spouse, partner, teammate, or stranger to extend the “olive branch” first. Most people aren’t willing to do this. We can be that person. We can begin to “turn towards” the people in our lives and begin showing love first. We can stop keeping people at arm’s length and pull them in close. We can employ this tiny perspective change and watch the world around us transform.
- Love now. We have the opportunity to tell the people around us how much we love them. I often speak about the solemn duty I had as the officer in charge of a team doing military funerals. The most striking thing I remember about these funerals is the eulogies. And those Soldiers in the coffins never heard those words. This life is not guaranteed, and neither is tomorrow. We can tell the people in our lives today WHY we love them and WHAT we love about them. It’s as useful for us to say these words as it is for our loved ones to hear them.
- We can benefit greatly from peer groups. Most of our conversations are dominated by mindless banter about the weather, sports, or politics. When it’s not one of those, we’re typically speaking about work or doing some “status management” – talking ourselves up, etc. We can come together to have real conversations about meaningful things. I’ve run a number of these groups over the last four years and have seen incredible changes in people (improvements in mood, mental health, performance) and connection in organizations. We typically have between three and 20 people in these groups and have two standing questions: 1) What’s keeping you up at night? 2) What’s making you smile lately? We add in a third question that’s reflective. We can take the step to organize a weekly or monthly peer group in person or on video and change the depth at which we interact and grow together.
- The best thing we can do for others and the world is to take care of ourselves. So often we find ourselves burned out and resentful due to the workloads we take on. We typically put work, everyone, and everything else ahead of ourselves. While this thinking is coming from a noble place, in my experience, it is extremely misguided. We cannot give to others something we don’t have. We must make sure our gas tank is full before we fill up others. Filling our gas tanks looks different for each of us. We can spend time figuring out what fills our tanks and make sure we do more of it. We show up stronger and more solid for others when we take care of ourselves.
- We are the common denominator of all our relationships. It’s useful to examine our relationships and look for commonalities. Some people are always experiencing drama in their relationships, turmoil, fighting, etc. We can take responsibility for our contribution to all relationships we have – with people, work, etc. It starts with a look in the mirror. How are we contributing to each of our relationships? This is a question worth spending time considering.
- As power, gravity, and influence increase, so must mercy. There are many people struggling in the world today. All the mental health metrics support this claim. There’s an inherent opportunity for people in positions of power to make life better for those they’re responsible for. This takes attention as we rise in power and responsibility. We must remember mercy. We must consider other humans. We must realize that power is more like being handed a baby than a sword.
- Ask your partners and teammates: “What do you think?” This sounds rudimentary, however it’s one of the most important things we can do – especially for our teammates. We sometimes rob others of the opportunity to learn, develop, and exercise creativity in our rush to provide advice or show someone the way. Asking others what they think is a simple gesture that has many positive byproducts.
- Beginner’s mind is a powerful starting point for life. Most of us refrain from trying new things – especially later in life. We fear that we won’t be good at things or that we might be ridiculed. It’s useful to remember that anybody who’s good at anything – probably stunk at it for a while before getting good. We can look for opportunities to be a beginner. Ignorance is a prerequisite for knowledge. We can embrace ignorance, lean into it, try new things, and expand our experience here on Earth.
- Zoom out more often. We often get caught up in the day to day of what we’re doing. And sometimes we feel stuck, like we’re not making any progress. This is why instituting a period of formal reflection is a useful practice. We can zoom out and examine how far we’ve come over the last month, quarter, or year. When we zoom out like this, we begin to see a much larger picture and understand the trend line rather than the daily peaks and valleys.
- We can have peace beyond understanding. This was a deep one that landed for me after attending a funeral for a 39-year-old man that died in my arms this year. This was quoted from scripture, and burned so deeply when I heard the words. So often we struggle with setbacks, grief, and people in our lives. We say things like, “I just don’t get it – I don’t understand!” The good news is that we don’t have to understand. Most of us don’t understand why we do the things we do. How can we expect to understand complex situations and other people all the time? We can have peace beyond understanding.
- Rest is a responsibility and creating solitude is a gamechanger. We can prioritize periods of rest for better performance. We can find our “off-season” daily, weekly, monthly, etc. Here’s a great quote from Robert Pirsig: “If a plant only gets sunlight, it’s very harmful. It needs darkness too…In the darkness, it converts oxygen into carbon dioxide. We are like that too. We need periods of doing and periods of non-doing.” We can consider how much “sunlight” we’re getting in our lives and begin bringing in intentional periods of rest and reflection or “darkness”. We GROW in the dark.
- Prioritize direction over speed. We often move so quickly because of outside pressures, anxiety, FOMO, etc. that we find ourselves 100 miles down a road and lost. This manifests in a deep, unsettled feeling that we typically don’t talk about. We can pay attention to our direction and that only happens when we pause and prioritize the direction we’re traveling over the speed we’re moving.
- When starting something new, amass little wins (happy bricks) and throw them in the pile. Working with people in transition, people making changes, has given me experience with things that work and trip us up. Consider the example of getting into better physical shape. Most people will set goals like working out five times a week. After two weeks, they realize they worked out three times the first week and twice the second. They feel like a failure and say, “to heck with it”. This is crippling because of our top-down perspective. We set an arbitrary (and probably unrealistic) goal and hold ourselves to that standard. And when we don’t achieve it, we walk away – and rob ourselves of the progress we can make. It’s more useful to set tiny goals, set aside some time. And when we get ONE workout in, we can look at it as a “happy brick” and throw it on the pile. Over time, we can amass a whole bunch of bricks and see progress without the deleterious self-judgment we often employ.
- Creating boundaries is underrated and extremely valuable. Boundaries are the hallmark of growing up. Here’s a quote from a friend of mine named Al: “People see us exercising boundaries and realize the respect we have for ourselves. They then respect us more – and they then trust us to respect them.” Creating boundaries helps us and those around us live in better accord. It’s simple, not easy.
- Run towards what you want – not away from what you don’t. There’s a completely different energy when we’re motivated to move our heads, hands, and hearts towards something rather than away from something. This perspective is helpful when we’re trying to break poor habits and make changes in our lives. It’s difficult and grinding to stop doing something we don’t want. It’s inspired to move towards something and start doing something we want. The energy of moving towards rather than away is stronger and originates from love rather than fear.
- “You take with you what you leave here.” This is a quote from another friend named Dedjaran. He was speaking about death and legacy, and this hit me hard. Not just for death, but for our lives. We can think about this with every interaction. ‘Who we are’ is the way we make people feel. How do we share our gifts with others? What will we leave here?
- You are the inmate – you are the warden. While this is a wildly unpopular stance, we are typically complicit in our suffering. We can almost always replace unproductive worry with productive action. We can almost always change our circumstances. To do so, we might have to have an uncomfortable conversation, or switch jobs, or walk away from a toxic relationship. However, most of us remain relegated to situations that do not serve us because of familiarity and the good old “known”. It’s useful to understand that making changes and embracing the unknown holds the keys to our freedom – the keys to the rest of our lives.
- The room is always smarter than the individual. It’s always a good idea to examine different perspectives. This is especially important when we are in a position of leadership. When we have time to consider other perspectives, it’s almost always a good idea. No matter how omnipotent we consider ourselves, there are other views and perspectives that can provide useful nuance and strengthen our understanding of situations.
- Become a good friend to yourself. This is paraphrased from something Marcus Aurelius wrote. Over the last decade, I’ve embraced this learning and in the last few years, I’ve been blessed with a deepening friendship with myself. I accomplished a lot of this in my journal every morning. I write a short letter from my higher self to my inner child. And I give that inner child all the loving, comforting, encouraging leadership I have tried to give everyone I’ve ever had the pleasure of leading or serving. Buddhist teacher Joseph Goldstein says, “the way we speak to ourselves is more important than the way the whole world speaks to us combined”. We can become better friends to ourselves with attention and mindfulness.
- Run to your problems. This speaks to me on many levels. Most notably, this speaks to the shadow. The part of us that’s typically mired in doubt, fear, pain, and suffering. Most of us don’t want to hear about problems or thorny things. We want good news, and this is especially pernicious when we’re in positions of leadership. I remember a Colonel I worked for in combat. His policy was to wake him up at night only with bad news – not good news. He always had this approach with the unit. He asked questions like: “Where do we have issues? Where can we improve? What’s the next thing that’s going to get somebody killed – whether it’s enemy or safety?” It’s no surprise that this man had a stellar performance in combat and career in the armed forces. We can run to our problems and meet the threat – right now.
- The side of the person you engage is the side that will engage you. I have always lived by the idea of treating people how they ought to be rather than how they are. This came from exposure to existential philosophy, most notably Emerson and Thoreau. As an officer in the military, we inherited new units every few years. We had the chance to listen to the evaluations and thoughts from the outgoing leadership about the unit. Then, we could make the decision to address humans from a perspective of their potential rather than their performance to this point under the legacy conditions. Behavior is more a function of the environment than the person. What can we change in the environment as leaders to allow humans to be their best selves? We can start by engaging the bright side of our people and asking them to show up. People want to show up. People want to do a good job. How can we create conditions for this behavior to arise?
- “Big doors swing on little hinges.” This is a quote from a man over a century ago named, W. Clement Stone. An impetus to look at our habitual tendencies as humans. There are little things we can do in our lives to create monumental changes. I have direct experience with this, and it has worked for me. If we inventory our habits – the little actions we take each day (most of them mindless) – and change them to align with our goals and aspirations, we can expect HUGE changes in our lives. Small things like preparing food for the week on a Sunday can change the way we eat (health), the way we save money (finances), and the way we spend our time (efficiency). There are myriad opportunities when we stop and examine our habits. We can move towards the lives we want through small changes.
- “What is to give light, is to endure burning.” This is a quote from Viktor Frankl – a man who has endured some burning. The idea is that if we want to do something worthwhile, something good in this world, we must endure hardship. Neuroscientist Andrew Huberman alludes to this concept when speaking of creativity or starting something new. He says, we must crawl through the broken glass or empty the waste within the pipe before the clear water starts flowing. “Resistance” as Steven Pressfield writes about will always be present. Those who DO versus those who DO NOT are separated by those who are willing to burn before they emit light. We can endure burning in the service of allowing light to shine through us.
- We are one thing – and that is Awareness. We are not our trauma, not our pain, our experiences, mistakes, thoughts – not even our body or mind. We are awareness. When we look deeply at what we call the “self,” we realize that it’s hard to locate. Think about it for a moment. Look for the actual thing that we call self – what is it? Our bodies change by the moment, cells are dying and birthing, ideas and thoughts come and go. This thing we call “self” is a collection of experiences and beliefs, however it is fleeting. We can sit in complete awareness, no matter what is happening, and witness. We are that beautiful, radiant awareness. This is worth investigating. It’s also worth contemplating and embodying, especially in hard times.
- We do not have to dim our lights because others are dark. Think about times when we have been spoken to or treated offensively. The most typical response I’ve seen is one of reciprocation. I once had someone on my team tell me about another teammate that was not returning his calls and talking down to him whenever he did respond. I asked how he was responding to this person. He said, “Well, I’m not returning his messages and I’m giving him the same shit he’s giving me.” How many of us make this a standard response? We’re so quick to mirror and reciprocate what we get from others. Even when it’s the behavior that burns us – the type we hate to see in the world. It takes mindfulness to make the decision to keep shining our light. Why would we ever lower ourselves to that dim vibration and put that same darkness into the world? We can continue to shine when we witness the darkness of others. They don’t understand and that’s okay. It’s not a license for us to claim ignorance because of emotion.
- It’s useful to pause and recognize the gift of the beating heart in our chests. Whether we’re a person of faith, religion, or spirituality – or not. No matter what, we can pause and appreciate this life – this beating heart in our chests. It’s been beating from the time we were in our mothers’ wombs. It’s worth a moment of gratitude each day. It can become life changing when we begin to feel the gratitude and love that surrounds us. We are part of not separate from.
- If it happens, it’s perfect. This is a tough pill to swallow for most people. We like to bicker and complain about the perceived “hardships and inconveniences” in our lives. We can play the role of victim all the way to the grave like many people. Or, we can choose to realize the power we have to accept reality on reality’s terms without objection. Think about the time we waste complaining about the way things ARE. The sooner we accept reality – as it is – the sooner we can choose how we respond to the moment skillfully – with what the moment needs.
- For one leg to kick or dance with any vigor and freedom the other must be balanced and stable. I heard this somewhere in my inquiry and it stuck with me because of my nature. I am a disciplined human with an extremely explorative, wild side. I’ve realized that if I’d like to explore the edges – if I’d like to do something out there – I must be grounded and tethered to some support mechanism. This is different in every situation, however if we think about it physically, mentally, and emotionally, this makes a lot of sense. Balance before power.
- When gratitude has the seat – ego, fear, and anxiety cannot sit down. This is another thing I heard along my journey that has rung true. It’s been a gift to pay attention to my attitude and energy over the years. No matter the situation, we get to choose what we look at and focus on. If we focus on the whole picture – rather than the negative and what’s NOT in the frame – we might realize the goodness and blessings we have in our lives. When we contemplate all we have, we can taste joy and abundance. Why not stay in this space of gratitude throughout our days? It takes mindfulness. A morning gratitude journal helps me. We can embody gratitude and watch our entire life change.
- Listening is a superpower. There’s so much more to say about this one. Another quote from my friend Al: “I solve far more problems with my ears than I ever do with my mouth.” I’ve also been told, “I’ve never listened myself out of a problem or a business deal.” I can’t remember where I heard this, and I believe it deeply. When we let go of our need to be heard – need to express, to imprint upon people, a situation, or society – we can show up with what the situation needs rather than our latent ego desires. We can learn and be more skillful through listening.
- “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” This is a quote from Rumi, which speaks directly to human experience and our annoyances. We may get turned off when we get feedback or when something challenges us, hurts us, etc. The point is we grow through these experiences, and we become more polished. If you spend time in a Masonic Temple, you’ll see a rough stone on one side and a polished stone on the other. This represents the journey of being human. Sometimes it doesn’t feel good in the moment when things are tough, however this is an essential part of polishing our mirror or stone. We can appreciate all of our experiences in this realm, which polish us in some way.
- When we’re authentic and accepting of ourselves, we become invincible. Authenticity is driven by accepting ourselves and embodying who we are. To accept ourselves and live our truth, we must spend time in solitude and reflection. This is important. When we look at our whole self, including and most importantly our shadow, we can start to accept all of ourselves. The warts, the pains, the traumas, the unskillful behaviors – we are HUMAN. The sooner we realize that it’s okay to be human, the sooner we begin to judge ourselves less. When we judge ourselves less, we judge others less. We also judge situations and phenomena less. Everything doesn’t need our judgment – we can walk without opinions on things. When we judge less – starting with ourselves – we become okay with who we are. When we become okay with who we are, people around us begin to feel okay with who we are. They even feel more okay about who they are. We can be the first domino in this beautiful chain of acceptance.
- Our ‘inputs’ influence our outlook, which influences our behavior. Our ‘inputs’ are the critical path. ‘Inputs’ are what we choose to allow into our sphere – our heart mind. We can pay more discerning attention to the people we spend time with, the media we consume, and what we put into our bodies. All these things have an incredibly strong influence on our beliefs and behaviors. We can examine more critically what we are allowing in – and watch our engagement with and responses to the world change.
- When we’re struggling internally with something, it’s useful to get it onto paper. When we write out our feelings, it allows room and space for the issue on the page. It doesn’t matter whether the issue is about a relationship, tough situation, or something logistical. We can write it on the page, in the book, and get it off our shoulders. We can deal with issues more effectively in writing, in front of us – rather than bouncing around, inside of us. This has also been extremely helpful for an active mind at night. Write it down and rest easier.
- We can be more accepting of reality exactly as it is. Most of our suffering comes from objecting to reality as it is. We spend a lot of time comparing the day – reality – to the way we would prefer it to be. When we do this, we experience all kinds of suffering and usually spread it to those around us. When we accept the day or situation exactly as it is, we’re able to act more skillfully, waste less time, and control the things we can: our attitude, energy, and a clear path forward creating future circumstances. We’re also typically a lot more pleasant to be around. We can treat more things in our lives like the weather and get on with it – rather than beating the victim drum. Acceptance is a superpower.
- Flexibility and adaptability are crucial to sustained growth and success. This rings true for both people and organizations. I love the ancient proverb about modeling ourselves after Palm trees rather than Oaks. When storms thrash, the Palm tree bends to the ground and springs back up after the storm. The Oak breaks because of its rigidity. We must not confuse rigidity for strength.
- Feelings are meant to be felt. So many people, especially men, push their feelings away. Especially feelings that are difficult. We push them down and bury them, or worse judge ourselves for having them. And deny ourselves the chance to allow them through – let the energy go. We can learn to love – and be gentle with – our sadness, pain, anger, and fear. We can experience these feelings and as the Buddhists say: “invite them in to have tea with us.” My favorite definition of trauma is pain without a witness. Allow the pain to be there – and share it with someone. When we are gentler with ourselves, we become gentler with the world.
- “Be a river, not a reservoir.” This quote was shared with five years ago by another close friend and mentor named Chad. We spoke about it with our team in the context of sharing our gifts, abundance, and knowledge. In the past year I heard the same words in the jungle from Faisal, friend, mentor, and Shaman. He was referring to the hard stuff – the dark, negative energy we take on in life. I connected with this deeply. His teaching was that if we build a dam and try to keep our negative feelings and energy inside, the dam will break at an inopportune time. This has happened in my life and many lives of people I know. We can always allow energy through us. We can share more often with those we keep close – it’s helpful for them too.
- It’s useful to be interested rather than interesting. All humans on Earth have things to teach us. And if we pay attention, we might find that humans are extremely interesting. When we focus on being interested rather than interesting, we notice more, perceive more, and learn more. It’s also a respectful way of living and interacting that engenders trust, especially when we’re in a position of authority. An interested mind is open, receiving, and learning.
- Make it sacred. Anything can be made sacred with deep, mindful, loving attention. We can make moments matter. We can start with ourselves – our time alone. Making space for prayer, meditation, or reflection. We can make events sacred and make others feel sacred through the power of our attention in the moment. Our mindfulness is an incredibly strong power that most of us do not wield with any skill. We can also roll through our days mired in delusion, busy, and unaware. It’s useful to consider the questions: What is sacred in our lives? And how are we ensuring we honor that?
- Feeling > Thinking. This rings especially true when things get hot, heavy, and fast. We can experience life more somatically — in our bodies. We can pay more attention to how we feel physically rather than our racing thoughts. I’ve used this approach in dealing with anger. I typically “look” for it in my body when I start to feel it. I’ve learned to use it as a signpost to take a moment to myself – before I do something out of passion, which is usually unskillful. We can breathe and feel into the experience. When we realize, recognize, and honor our feelings, they typically have less control over us. This leads to presence and better decision making.
- We cannot change anyone; however, we can inspire them through our actions. Never in the history of being told “calm down” has anybody calmed down. However, when we approach someone who is hysterical and do it in a calm manner, there’s a much better chance of them calming down. I’ve spent much of my life on teams, in locker rooms, and on retreats. Energy is contagious and it’s more about what we do than what we say. We can change the world by our personal actions rather than trying to change someone else’s. Most people will see what they want to be and move towards that example. We can be that example of skillful action.
- We cannot be responsible for anyone else’s happiness other than our own. This lesson helped me navigate relationships where I felt some guilt. All we can do is be who we are and ensure that we are solid for those around us. We cannot take on the burden of making anyone feel any certain way. We can be love, be light, and be wonderful. Outside of our attitude, energy, and actions, we cannot be held responsible for much more. It’s useful to look around and see the relationships where we want something for someone more than they do. There’s much more to investigate with that last sentence. It’s liberating to let go of the self-imposed responsibility for someone else’s happiness.
- “Don’t rush to comfort.” This is a quote from friend and mentor, Dedjaran. We often eschew hard things and rush to get away from them. Whether it’s emotional states, hard conversations, work, or anything thorny. It’s in our nature to hustle towards comfort. I’ve found this a glaring issue where I rush to comfort in a substance or an experience to cover up pain and hardship tough situations bring. It’s useful to consider and examine what we are doing to escape the moment when it’s one we don’t prefer. There’s a lot to be gained through discomfort – similar to the unknown. We can step into it with courage more often.
- People don’t pretend to be depressed they pretend to be okay. It’s useful to ask people how they’re doing. And ensure you have time to lean in and listen with an open heart. We can listen more deeply to people. Give them a chance to let the pressure valve off. This is important, especially for leaders. Lean in – check on people. Caring about the individuals and how they’re doing is the most direct path to every single family or organizational goal we’ve ever had.
- Give before they have to ask. If we’re mindful and paying attention to others around us, we can begin listening at a deeper level. We can hear past words, into feelings, and we can perceive a lot more. We always have the chance to help others if we’re listening deeply. People, including us, have unmet needs. We can answer prayers before they’re spoken. This is achieved through our attention to others. We can be more present and present presents.
- “Rushing has nothing to do with speed.” This is another quote from Buddhist teacher, Joseph Goldstein. How many of us wake up in the morning with our hair on fire? Running to the phone, computer, all the things we feel we must rush for – does it increase our speed or efficacy? I’ve found that it doesn’t. “Rushing” is an internal feeling that moves us, causes angst, fear, and worry. “Speed” is an output that demands efficiency, presence, and awareness. When we deal from a place of “rushing,” we deal from a place of fear. We can move with greater speed and accuracy through cultivating a calm manner. Something many have done through meditation, awareness practices, and many other types of training.
52 Lessons – 2023
- Josh Rizzo
