Something I’ve always believed about teams is that their ceilings are established at the point where they’re uncomfortable communicating. In other words, we’re only going to be as good as the hardest conversation we’re willing to have. This is because most people are afraid of the truth. We’re afraid to stand up and be seen. We’re afraid to share our deepest thoughts and desires. We’re afraid to provide critical feedback we know will help someone. We’re afraid to say we don’t know, or that we never knew, and that we don’t even know where to look to find that information. We’re afraid of conflict, afraid of embarrassment, afraid to rock the boat. So, we stay quiet. We let it pass. We tell ourselves, ‘I’m keeping the peace and that’s more important than this little petty thing.’ The insecurities in us run deep. They masquerade as a peacekeeper. And the resent builds.
Every relationship is a team. This starts with our personal relationship with ourselves. We must start with the person in the mirror. If we can’t look ourselves in the eye, nobody will. It’s useful to take a good look at how we’re living, what we’re spending our time and energy doing; and examine how it’s affecting us, the people we love, and the world. Our relationship with ourselves is most important – and the first step is being intentional about our actions. Sometimes this is a difficult step. When we look deeply, we realize how automated our lives have become. Then we realize how deleterious many of our habits are to our long-term goals and our lives. This is a hard conversation with ourselves, and it’s one worthy of our time.
When we look at our closest relationships like those in our immediate family, they are some of the relationships most fraught with deep issues. Let’s examine the most important relationship that we (in most cultures) get to choose: our spouse. How many married couples do you know that simply do not discuss anything of real depth and substance? They’re everywhere and they come in all shapes, shades, sizes, and ages. We (hopefully) fall in love and decide to be together, and somewhere along the way a contemptuous air begins to pervade the relationship. How does this happen?
How can we live and work in such proximity and not speak about that which is in our hearts?
Fear.